THE TATTOOED MAN
- Have you worked a bit? - Yes.
- Beautiful, no? - Very good. Very good. 400.
- No, Mr Mézeray. Prices are going up. - 300 then.
- And what's that? - That's a station.
Just a little station. 200.
- And that? - You get that...
- Oh no, I'll pay for it. - You'll get that at 700.
- All the hours, the canvas, the paint. - Yes, and the drying.
- Well, Mr Dubois? - Excuse me.
It's late. We'll continue tomorrow. You can get dressed.
- So, how many paintings am I buying? - We discussed...
- You get that one for 300. - Wait a moment. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.
- Seven. - That doesn't make eleven.
- That one makes 8. - But then I'm three short.
- Show me. - Sir, how dare you?
- What's that? - A tattoo.
Looks like a reproduction of Modigliani.
A reproduction, me?
- Show me. - Step back, young man.
- Don't tell me... - I have nothing to tell you.
- You knew it? - No.
And you didn't tell me? I want to see that tattoo right away.
Mr Legrain, let me introduce you to Mr Mézeray.
A great art lover and art investor.
- And an even bigger jerk. - Is it really a Modigliani?
- It's a Modigliani. - A real one?
- Never doubt the word of a legionnaire. - But did Modigliani really make it?
- Damn. - You're right.
- Mr Legrain, I'll buy it from you. - I'm not a sausage or a leg of pork.
- 500,000. Wait, one million. - Do you want me to smack you?
- Gentlemen, gentlemen. - Shut up, you.
- Shut up? - Not you, he.
I offer two million for what you have on your back.
What I have on my back?
- Do you think I'm a whore, you idiot? - Three.
- Mr Dubois, you know some strange people. - Excuse me, sir.
I already told you to shut up.
- I need three more paintings. - I need time.
Paint your grandpa, your grandma. Everybody.
My God, you're pushy.
Mr Legrain, listen to me. Listen.
Wait.
Don't leave.
Twenty million. Look. Look.
Well?
Isn't that good?
Mr Legrain, that's not bad, is it? Where are you?
Can you hear me?
What do you think? What's your answer?
Never mind. Very good. Perfect. Very good.
It was very good, perfect. Very, very good.
- What's he like? - Put it there, please.
- What's he like? - Very charming, friendly, well-mannered.
- Really friendly? - Very friendly.
- You don't mind that he's black? - Of course not.
- Do you mind that he's black? - No.
- You're not a racist? - Of course not.
- Are you a racist? - Not at all.
Me neither. Horrible.
- Say excuse me. - Excuse me.
- How big is the painting? - What did you say?
How big is it?
The size?
And the price?
Wait, wait.
First of all, it's a Modigliani.
Secondly, it's a very good Modigliani.
Thirdly, it's the only one in the world and it's been tattooed on human skin.
- On a beautiful back. - Good, but what's it going to cost?
Good, exactly.
Before we discuss the price of the Modigliani...
...you have to buy all this. All this.
There's this and this and this. Look, this one's mine. So beautiful.
They won't sell.
That's why I'm selling them to you.
- What did you say? - They're terrible.
No, no. They're horrible.
I hate them. You get them for a good price.
- 150 million. - Never.
If you want the Modigliani, you'll have to buy them all, for 150 million.
Out of the question. Never. Never.
- Hello, can you hear me? - Yes, sir.
- Get Bernheim in New York on the phone. - No, not Bernheim.
- Well? - Agreed. 150 million.
- 160. - You said 150 earlier.
- 170. - Listen...
- 180. - Alright, agreed.
- Hello, can you hear me? - Yes, sir.
Keep Mr Bernheim on hold a bit longer.
- No, cash. - I don't have it.
- You do. - No.
Mr Bernheim.
Listen, you're very friendly, but I prefer to see you there.
- Is that alright? - No, Mr Bernheim!
- Yes. A bit faster. - Good.
Time to breathe.
Alright, there we go again.
We'll go see Mr Legrain. Keep going, or else...
A gentleman. Very charming. Very polite.
Mr Legrain.
Mr Legrain!
Again?
- And with accomplices. - No, I'll explain everything.
Well, so will I.
- Bayonet on rifle and attack! - No!
- Oh yes. - No.
Don't let him scare you.
And English too. Our arch-enemies.
- No, they're Americans. - 'Raus'.
- They're from New York. - That's the same thing.
- No, it's not. - Yes, it is.
- They killed the Indians. - He's right about that.
- Shut up or I'll take your scalp. - No.
- Yes. - No.
They go to the moon with computers, but they eat their leg of lamb with jam.
- Oh no. - Yes, with your jazz trumpets, your...
- ...TV's and your depopulation pills. - Gentlemen, 'go home'.
- They just want to see your back. - Damn, I'm not a museum.
- Yes... - No...
But in memory of General Pershing, I'll show you my back.
- Now you'll see. - You in the corner, maniac. There.
- You don't look. - Alright.
- The visit is over. - Thank you.
Must be from 1918...
Wrong. July 14, 1919. The night after the victory march.
- Eleven kilometres. Everybody was beat. - You knew Modigliani?
- Yes, he knew him very well. - No, young man. I didn't know him.
It was in a bar in Montparnasse, around 2 at night.
A man wanted to tattoo a woman on my back.
Yes, sir, and I laid down on the pool table.
Yes, sir, and years later I heard that was Modigliani.
It didn't matter to me, because I stayed in the Legion.
Yes, yes, son.
Ah, it's you. Here.
- What's wrong? - My foot.
- Say excuse me. - Are you making fun of me?
You taught me that.
- Why do you look at me like that? - What?
- Because I'm a servant? - What?
- Because I'm black? - You're not black.
- Yes, I am. - Not completely.
- What do you have that I don't? - I... what?
- What do you have that I don't? - A lot.
- What then? - What?
What do you have that I don't?
Good evening, sir.
- Do you know my wife? - Dear, Mr Smith and Mr Larsen.
I'm so glad to meet you. My husband told me so much about you.
I'm thrilled to have you here. Do sit down.
Put that there.
Now he looks at me like that. Go ahead.
I'm sure you'd like an aperitif. Pastis?
Oh no, dear. Whisky. They're Americans. They drink bourbon there.
- About that Modigliani... - He found it at the flea market.
That's also where he started.
- About that Modigliani... - He found it at the flea market.
That was his first work experience.
- About that Modigliani... - He found it at the flea market.
That's enough. About that Modigliani...
Here, darling. Read this. Nothing but bad news.
- Back to our case. - The Modigliani. How will you deliver?
- It's very easy. - It takes one day in hospital.
We'll take a little thing...
...that tickles a bit and then hop, hop. Like a napkin and finished.
Will he agree?
Uhm... yes. I'll have to make a deal with him.
- What will it cost? - 500 million.
- How much? - 500 million.
- For the tattoo? - In a frame.
- Minus the 180 million. - Oh no, you bought those things.
- No, no, no. - Oh yes.
- Where's Mr Bernheim? - Alright then. Agreed.
Tonight at 8 you give me Mr Legrain's signature.
- In writing. - You'll get it.
Or else you give us the 180 million back.
Careful, Mr Mézeray, careful. You'd have to return it.
- I did understand, you know? - What did you understand? What?
What did you understand?
You're crazy to sell that tattoo before you bought it yourself.
- Everyone's for sale. - What if he doesn't want it?
He'll have to or else my name isn't Mézeray.
- And if... - I've been listening to you for 20 years...
- Listen, honey. - I'm not your honey.
Does my face look like honey?
As you wish.
And I also don't want you to call me by my first name anymore.
- Why? - Our family has a certain class...
- ...so no more first names. - No more first names?
No.
- No more first names. - Never...
Never.
As you wish.
- Sleep well, sir. - Good. Sleep well, madam.
Yes, you're a war hero. You're not for sale. I understand.
You loathe money, I understand. But also 50 million?
- What's that? - Meat with red beans.
Beans?
You eat salads and I eat meat and have Beaujolais.
- Yes, but look. - Look.
- How do you like it? - No, I can't.
Talking about the 50 million, you'll get 50 million!
- I don't need money. I'm out of the loop. - Which loop?
Your loop. You're crazy, son. Really crazy.
- Oh no. - Oh yes.
- No, no. - Yes, you seem like a nice guy, but...
...tell your Americans I'm not selling.
- Fifty... you're the fool between us. - I'm rich and I want to stay that way.
I spend less than I make. I live off my pension and I have a country home.
- You have a place in the country? - Yes, young man.
- With a house? - Yes, young man.
- The house must be in bad condition. - Yes, young man.
Well, Mr Legrain, we can turn that house into a castle.
- A castle? - A new house.
- I hate new. - I mean, we can fix it all up.
- Kitchen, walls, heating, everything. - Everything?
Everything. And I'll sign right away.
I, the undersigned... Mézeray... agree to...
...perform the restoration...
...from floor to roof...
- Ah, that's it. - Yes, you can smell that.
And you sign this little piece of paper for the tattoo.
- No. - What do you mean?
I'll sign when the work will have started.
- Don't you trust me? - No.
- No, because you're crazy. - Oh no.
- Oh yes. - No.
- Let's look at the cottage. - When?
- Now. - Now?
- Now. - On the double.
We're going slowly. Where's your speedometer?
- I disconnected it in 1931. - What time will we arrive?
I don't have a watch.
- How far's your house from Paris? - I've never wanted to know.
- I have to make a call. Stop here. - I never stop.
- I'm hungry. I haven't had breakfast. - When I drive, I don't eat or drink.
Safety first.
- We've been driving for four hours. - Are you going to nag every two hours?
- How will I be back in Paris tonight. - Who said you would be?
- I have to make an important phone call. - Must be a psychosis.
- Stop a bit further then, near the trees. - To make a phone call?
- No, to... - I never stop. I did that beforehand.
- But could we stop? - No.
- Yes, we could. - No.
- I have to. - You can do it later.
- I can't. - Yes, you can.
I can't.
Now you can go.
- Nice here. Is this it? - It is for the night.
- What do you mean? Where's your house? - In the Périgord.
- In the Périgord? Where will we eat? - We won't eat. Tonight we sleep.
- You won't make me sleep out here? - With the little birds.
You'll see, it's great.
- Have you heard the birds at night? - I don't care.
Can I make a phone call? Anybody there?
Go away, you.
In the open one sleeps better than in a hotel.
- Are you still tired? - Yes.
Has it been long since you left Paris?
That's normal. Outside air makes you tired.
No restaurant, no phone, no petrol. Is the village far?
- Is it far? - Far? What do you call far?
You take a left there. If you take a right, it'll be far.
- So not to the right. - I understood.
- Did he explain it well? - Yes, very well...
Say...
- Your cow's udder looks strange. - What? My cow's udder?
Don't look at the size. The milk from Blanchette's udder's good.
No chemicals. Come on, Blanchette.
Beautiful, really beautiful. Worth the detour.
Look at the contours. Very beautiful.
- But now we have to go to your place. - This is my place.
- No way. - Yes, this is my place in the country.
Didn't you want to make a castle of it? Most of the work has been done.
- It can't be. - It is.
- Did you make me sign for that? - Didn't you want to sign?
- You could have stopped me. - You're crazy. Can't stop a crazy man.
- It's completely run-down. - It was on fire four times.
- The last time was in 1944. - I don't care. Look at that.
Look.
Look at that.
- Is there no phone? - No phone, no gas, no water, no light.
- So there's nothing? - You'll change that.
- What do you mean? - From floor to roof.
No, no. Wait. Let's leave a few ruins.
Ruins are beautiful. Look at Rome. But this side, yes.
We have to tear it all down...
- ...and restore it again. - You should have stopped me.
You didn't allow me to eat.
- The vandals! - What happened? Where are you?
- Here. - Where?
Here. Here.
What's happening?
You lost more millions. In a crazy way.
- What? How? - Castle plunderers.
Suppliers of Parisian antiquities.
- Could you repeat that? - They stole the antique...
- ...tapestries of my family. - What's that got to do with me?
- Be realistic. - I'm very realistic.
The Roman foundations, the roof-supports, the roof, it's all gone.
A few injections with reinforced concrete and that's it.
Out of the question. Restorations must be performed with the materials...
...and the methods of the builders of the cathedrals.
- Nobody works that way anymore. - Train them then.
- Aren't you a legionnaire? - Ex-legionnaire.
- You live in Saint-Quen? - Yes.
What exactly is the name of this old castle? What is it exactly?
It's been here since the Montignacs, who always defended it with their lives.
But the counts of Montignac are all dead.
One dead son of theirs meant three dead bishops.
But the counts of Montignac are all dead.
There's one left.
In other words, this isn't your castle. The contract's illegal.
- Who's that? - The mailman, Count.
Come in.
Good to see you again. What brings you here?
- Your mail. You have company. - Not important. I'll get you a glass.
- Count, sir? - Yes, son?
- I have five tax letters for you. - Into the fire with them.
- So you're the Count of Montignac? - The last Montignac, that's me.
- So, it's your castle? - Of course.
Didn't you say you'd sign when the work starts?
I said that.
- I have to make a phone call. - Are you starting again?
- The post office? - Three kilometres away, in the village.
- How did you get here? - By bike.
- Count, sir, who's that man? - A telephone maniac.
- Can I get a number in Paris. - Which number, sir?
What do you mean? In Paris? Bagatelle 11-15, my place.
- No, 15-11. No, 11-15. - Alright, so it's 11-15?
- 11-15. - Bagatelle 11-15.
- Hello? Hello Cazals? - Yes?
- Montignac speaking. Everything alright? - Yes, everything's alright.
- Give me Cahors in V.A. - Yes, what's V.A.?
I don't know.
Do you know a contractor here? A bricklayer?
A contractor? One moment. Cahors? Give me Paris Bagatelle, 11-15.
Three ones and a five... three plus two, five. For Montignac, sir.
For Montignac.
Yes, I'll wait.
- Pellet. No, no Pellot. - Where's that?
- Across the street. A professional. - I'll go there right away.
- Sir, I have Bagatelle. Paris. - Booth 1. In the back.
- Pellet, you said? - No, Pellot. In booth 1.
Hello? Is it you? I don't have time to be polite.
I'm in the Périgord. because that's where his house is.
Tell the Americans the deal is on.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
I can't say no all the time, can I? Listen.
Calm them down and tell them I'll be back tomorrow with the signed contract.
Signed by him, alright? Hello? Disconnected. Never mind.
- Did you disconnect? - Do you know what time it is?
- Excuse me. - Sir.
- Yes? - 5 francs for the call.
- There. - Thanks.
- Pellet? - Pellot!
Pellot, Pellot.
Pellot, Pellot, there he is.
- Mr Pellet? - No, Pellot!
Pellot, there it is. Mr Pellot?
- What is it? - I need to speak to you urgently.
Alright, come around the back. I'll be right there.
Mr Pellot.
- You have to restore the castle for me. - Which castle?
- The Château de Montignac. - The castle of the crazy man?
Yes, the castle of the crazy man. But you have to start right away.
Right away? Impossible. It's late. I have no employees.
- So you can't start right away? - No.
- And tomorrow? - Saturday. My daughter gets married.
- Yes, of course. - Sunday's Sunday.
- Not possible. - Monday's Monday.
- Out of the question. - Tuesday...
Wait... I have an idea. We'll go the other way around.
- Monday. - I don't work on Mondays.
- Good, Sunday. - I don't work on Sundays.
- Alright, Saturday. - My daughter gets married. I don't work.
- And now? - Now I'm working, as I said.
- Right away. - Of course, right away.
Of course.
That changes things.
- That will cost a lot. - No, remove the ivy. Reinforce things.
- Swipe it a bit. Done. - Do you do gothic arches, Pellot?
- Of course, but... - They must be exactly the same.
- They must be authentic. - The ruins are authentic already.
- And the roof. - No, not the roof.
- For the roof. - There's 5000 m2 of roof.
- I'm out. - Nobody's forcing you.
- You have to sign first. - The work has to start first.
- When can you start? - Tomorrow, my daughter gets married.
- I know. Wait. Wait. - When can you start?
- Tomorrow at 7 AM. - No, tonight, at 7 PM.
- Not even for 100 million. - I'll have to stay here until morning.
You'll see one sleeps really well here.
- But who are you really? - I'm Enguerrand de Montignac...
- ...born in 1896. Seminarian at 13. - Are you a seminarian?
In 1914, I gave up on God and joined the legion as Legrain.
- Why not as Montignac. - To piss off my father.
He had married the cleaning lady. Her name was Mrs Legrain. A good woman.
- It looks like... - It is one.
- Where did you buy it? - I didn't buy it. It's my great-uncle.
- Would you sell it? - Give me a break about that painting.
- Where are you? - Here.
- Can you see me? - Hardly.
Could you pass the bread and a knife?
Right. Thanks.
- And? - When I was young...
- Were you ever young? - Yes.
- Hard to believe. - When I was young, I was poor, poor, poor.
And then I worked and I became rich, rich, rich.
After my father left, I decided never to be dependent on money again.
- So I chose the legion. - I understand.
No, in order to understand this, you must have fought in Morocco.
I'm the opposite. I need to own, collect, count.
I pity you.
- Did you see that? - What?
You really didn't see? A hare this big.
- That's not a hare, that's a rat. - A rat?
Yes, Plato, my rat.
I did everything I said I'd do. You can trust me by now.
I already paid 5 million to the contractor. Can't you sign now?
If you start again, I'll throw you in the dungeon.
Excuse me.
- What is it? - Look there.
It's only my rat. He gets nervous at night.
- Mr Montignac, I'm afraid. - I understand...
...in this bed, Cunégonde de Montignac was killed. On your side.
- I'll sleep in the car. - As you wish.
The stuff falling down from the roof is blood of Cathars.
- Alright, I'll stay here. - Let me sleep then. Goodnight.
- Now what? - I hear voices.
- Joan of Arc maybe? - I hear voices there.
- The plunderers. - I'm not coming.
- Come, quickly. - I'm not coming.
- I don't like to come here. - The harpsichord.
- We might get caught. - There's nobody here.
- Then why are you whispering? - Shut up.
- It's loaded. - Do I pull here?
- No, here. - Here?
- Yes, there. - Let's go.
Don't pull now or you'll shoot me in the ass.
- Stay here. Shoot when they come. - You're not leaving me alone, are you?
I have to be able to trap them.
- Are they all dead? - No, not yet. Come.
Stay here.
Say a quick prayer.
- Mézeray, open fire. - I can't see anything.
Doesn't matter. Shoot!
This is fun.
- Where are they? - In the dungeon. Have a look.
I really like this.
- Help! - It's alright. Quiet.
Where are we?
Where wizards and murderers belong.
- We're not any of those. - I'll send them another small charge.
- No, it's not worth it. - A small one.
No, let them patiently wait for their deaths.
We only want one thing. Hand us over to the police.
No, on my land, I'm the authority.
- That'll teach them. - Listen, sir...
- Not sir, count. - Yes.
Count, sir, if you let us go, I'll give you back your tapestries.
- No. First a tapestry, then a monastery. - What kind of nonsense is that?
- They'll be here for centuries. - Good. Time to think.
Get up, you.
- Aren't we having breakfast? - First the flag.
- Which flag? - Well, the flag.
- The day starts with putting up the flag. - Ah, alright.
You can't even put up a flag. Let me do it.
Six steps to the back. Present arms! But first give me the flag back.
Present... arms.
- Arms. Where did you serve? - Serve who?
- Military service. - I don't remember.
I see. We'll have to do something about that.
Weapon near your foot.
Near your foot, I said. Not on the ground. Come on.
Attention. At ease. Attention. At ease.
Weapon on your shoulder, now.
I see. Trained without a weapon.
- When do we have breakfast? - After the lesson.
- I want to have breakfast. - Silence. Three steps back. 1, 2, 3.
The command was for me. Now you. Three steps forward.
March. 1, 2, 3. Attention. At my command...
Forward march. 1, 2, 1, 2...
Head to the right. Chest ahead.
If you don't show yourself, I'll throw you in the dungeon.
I'll have breakfast then. Wait, I'm coming.
- There you are. Attention. - No.
Attention. To the left. I said to the left.
- Elbows against the body. No gymnastics. - Forward 1, 2... 1, 2...
- I didn't say stop. - There's a wall.
- I don't care. - I have enough of this.
You do? Put on your battle-gear then.
Distance 200 meters. Double salvo. And fire. Bayonet on rifle.
- I don't have any. - I don't care. Come on. Attack.
I said: bayonet on rifle. - That's it!
- Pellot's here and you're signing. - When the work has started.
- Did you hear that? - Yes.
- What are you waiting for then, Pallet? - Pellot.
- Or I'll kill you. - 1, 2... 1, 2...
Come on, come on. Faster. His is already full.
- Aren't you working? - I'm wearing a suit.
Start working.
- Work has already started. - It has started?
- Look. - Say, the work has started.
- Are we signing? - We're signing.
- Company. - We'll sign afterwards.
- Of course. - Gentlemen.
- Officers, Mr Mézeray. Attention. - Why do you do that?
- I want a signature. - Gunshots were heard here last night.
- Do you know anything about that? - They wanted to rob me.
- Is this their van? - They had explosives.
- Dangerous. Where are the thieves now? - No idea.
- Help, help! We're here. - What do I hear?
- What's that? - Yes, what's that?
Say, they're not in the dungeon, are they?
- Yes, yes. - Good.
- No, no. - Now you say no?
- Didn't I say yes? - Let's sign.
I said no to them, but yes to you.
If the police don't find us, those two maniacs will eat us raw.
You think?
Officers, don't leave us here.
We're working hard for scum like this. There they are.
And now the handcuffs.
- Thank you. - Thank you, sir.
- There you go. - Since the fall of the Bastille...
- ...you can no longer exercise authority. - That's a shame.
- In theory, I have to make a report. - Make it.
- What? - Do we sign?
- Another obsession, like the phone. - If I make a report each time...
- ...I come here... - What's that supposed to mean?
- Take those thugs away. - Do we sign?
Yes.
- Where are you going? - I'm getting ink and a pen.
- Didn't you want to sign? - I have all you need.
Not a ballpoint. My grandfathers lived until a 100.
- Yes, so what? - You don't have my hide yet.
- I just wanted to talk about your skin. - What?
- No, but... - Well, what?
Listen, let's sign. We have to sign first.
Sign and then we'll see.
- We'll see what? - I didn't say a thing.
Just that we have to sign.
- Now you have to come with me. - Where to?
- We're going to Paris. - No, I stay here to oversee the work.
- This is impossible. - Didn't you want my signature?
- Yes. - Haven't you got it?
- Yes. - You're on your own then.
- But what do I do? - I don't want to know.
- Isn't Pellot's van here? - He's gone to get material.
- Is this your bike? - No.
Jacques, help me.
We can't start without daddy. We'll wait in church.
- Justine, did you see the Parisian? - Yes, he drove that way.
- That way? - Yes.
Stop, bastard.
What's wrong?
The ceiling on my head trick failed. You'll have to think of something else.
You wanted my signature and then you wanted to kill me.
- Me? - You're coming to the castle with your accomplice.
- My accomplice? - Yes, your accomplice. In the car.
- What about my bike? - I don't care about your bike.
Attach your scaffolding better. The other side.
- Pellot, inside. - What's happening?
I plan to reintroduce the Inquisition.
Damn.
- The truth or I'll take the pin out. - Which truth do you mean, Count?
- I saw the two of you talk. - Mr Mézeray asked if he could use...
- ...my van to go to Paris. - That's all.
- The truth or your daughter is an orphan. - That's all we talked about.
Mr Mézeray asked whether I could rush the work a bit...
That's not true. Not true. That's not true.
- I didn't want to and he gave me money. - This is not true.
- I'll do 2 million worth of damage! - No, Count...
Two million.
- Three. - It doesn't matter.
My van, my van.
- Take me to Paris. - What's wrong? An accident?
- Take me to Paris. - I can't.
- But of course. - They'll throw me out.
- Here, look. To Paris. - I can't fly to Paris.
- I'll talk to the minister. - Which minister?
Any minister. Let's go to Paris.
Silence. Can I have some silence?
- It's going so slowly. - I'm carrying too much.
- I just loaded 400 kilos of insecticide. - How can we drop that?
- With that button. - There we go.
- No, you're crazy. - We're going up.
There they are. Come in. Sit down.
- Have a seat. - And?
- He agreed. - How?
It's in here.
Read.
- Enguerrand, Louis, Marie... - He's a bad reader.
- You read it. - Enguerrand, Louise, Marie de Montignac.
- I don't see his signature. - It's the same thing.
What do you mean?
- It's the name of the maid. - I don't understand.
Legrain was the maid who married the Count of Montignac, Legrain's father.
- Legrain named himself after his mother. - I understand.
- Did you really? - Yes.
- I didn't understand. - He did.
- He understands your language. - Your mother tongue.
- What's that? - The tongue.
- The nose. - The nose.
- The foot. - The foot.
- Big foot. - Big foot.
- That's the horse. - Horse.
- Moustache. - He didn't understand a thing.
Very good.
- Are Legrain and Montignac the same one? - Exactly.
This paper doesn't say we can remove his skin.
It doesn't? That's not true.
- He forgot. - Didn't you ask him?
- Of course. - And he agreed?
- Of course. He was happy even. - Mr Mézeray, you're in trouble.
- Could one of you go to the Périgord? - We can go ourselves.
You want to know whether Mr Mézeray's contract is for real?
- That's all, but be discrete. - That's our job.
- Do you want to know more about Mézeray? - No, not at all.
- It's the same price. - It's not about the money.
Alright. To the Château de Montignac.
According to the drawings of the monks, there's a Roman fresco under the roof.
- So get that out. - Don't touch it. It's intact.
- Get it out anyway. - And Mr Mézeray?
He'll be happy. He loves paintwork.
- What if he asks cultural questions? - Civil servants don't know anything.
- The old guy is aggressive. - Use something to intimidate him.
- Gentlemen? - Mr Montignac?
- That's me. - We're from the Ministry of Culture.
- Gentlemen, come in. - You're having this castle restored.
- And you'd like to see it. Good for you. - You're really very kind.
We start with the Roman foundations. They're of archaeological importance.
Go ahead.
Careful, the steps are slippery.
Gentlemen, a masterpiece of medieval military architecture.
- You're an excellent guide. - What else remains of...
- ...our old aristocrats? - You're pessimistic.
No, clear minded.
This way, gentlemen.
Hit men, you've been exposed. You were after my skin, weren't you?
- I sprained my ankle. - I don't care.
- Mézeray must have paid you a lot. - Mr Mézeray didn't do anything.
- Die, vermin. I'll get Mézeray... - This is a misunderstanding.
Like everything in life. Even death.
- Alright, I'll talk to the owner. - Shall I come with you?
No.
- Mr Montignac? - That's me.
I'm a TV producer. I'm working on masterpieces that are at risk.
With the cooperation of the Ministry of Culture.
- You want to film? - Yes, if it doesn't bother you.
- Do you want to have a look around first? - I was just about to ask that.
Let's start with the Roman foundations, that are of archaeological importance.
Careful, the steps are slippery.
You're looking at a masterpiece of medieval military architecture.
You speak like a guide.
What else remains of us, old aristocrats?
This way, sir.
- What's wrong now? - I put three new ones in the fridge.
Listen, I just had a call. I can't hear. My children are having a surprise party.
I got a call: the Count de Montignac. - Is he in Paris?
No, he's on the way here. I can't hear a thing.
- He wants to tell us something important. - Now what?
- I don't know. I don't know. - Darling?
- Yes? - Darling?
- I'm very busy. - Make some time anyway.
Come here, you. You too. Look at them. Pull up your sweaters.
- Such language. - Show your belly.
- Excuse me? - Show your belly.
- Yes, And you your back. - No.
Show your back.
It's very beautiful. Are you selling?
- No. - It's all the Modigliani stories.
- They got tattoos. - Where's that murderer?
Where is he?
There you are.
The sabre hasn't gone out of fashion. Come here or I'll cut you in half.
- Have mercy. - No.
- Please. - No.
- Defend yourself. - Get out.
- Out, you. - Back off, gorilla.
Out. Let's talk about it.
What? You wanted to kill me and now you want to talk?
- Don't do it. - I put your hit man in the fridge.
- Hit men? - Your killers...
No more lies or I strike.
I didn't send anybody after you.
Why would I want you dead? I want your tattoo.
- How then? - Simple. Two days in hospital.
- You belong in hospital. - Ah no.
- Yes, you do. - No.
- You do! - They remove a bit of skin...
- ...and put other skin in its place. - What's that?
- You want to cut me up? Horrible gnome! - Don't talk like that. Stop.
- I'll shut up. - You lied, Mr Mézeray.
You lied to everybody. I'll file a complaint.
- Where are our detectives? - Which detectives?
- Oh, it was you. - See it wasn't me?
Thank you.
"Authorized to buy the Modigliani for 2 million dollars."
- Sign: Rank, Boston Museum. - Two million dollars?
Two million dollars.
Now we really have to reactivate this affair by any means.
It's Mr Mézeray's fault. Why not talk to us directly?
- Right now. - Never, sir.
Mézeray is crazy, but I'm a man from the legion and I keep my word.
- Listen. - I've listened enough.
- My soup's getting cold. - But why?
What do you mean? You sent thugs after me.
- It was just commercial research. - I could have had them hung.
I offer three times what Mézeray offers.
He thinks I'm for sale. They have no honour in the US.
Retract the proposal or I demand a duel. You choose the weapon. Even crossbows.
Listen. Mézeray will strangle us again.
We have no other choice. Legrain won't deal with us directly.
We'd better cable Boston and tell them we don't have the tattoo anymore.
That's a great idea. And then we lose all the money we given to Mézeray.
That's right. Let's go.
Wait a minute.
- Remind me to ask Mézeray about the medical report. - Right.
- Why are we here? - Professor, the Count of Montignac.
This is Professor Mortemont. A famous French dermatologist.
- The most famous one in France. - Excuse me, Mr Professor.
- Count, you need a check-up. - I'm not the count. He is.
- Why a check-up? - Nothing, nothing.
- You sold your skin to this gentleman? - What do you want a check-up of?
- Nothing, nothing. - As I said...
- You sold your tattoo, through him... - To the Boston Museum.
- Why a check-up? - No reason.
- You have a tattoo on your back. - Are we starting that again?
- Do you have one? - Of course, but that's no reason.
- It's compulsory. - No way.
- Yes, it is. - No way.
It's not compulsory.
It is compulsory. I have to give you a check-up.
You need a check-up, not me.
- No check-up. - Didn't you sign?
- Yes. - So?
Careful. It's not compulsory.
He'll only look.
- And doctor? - The museum can rest assured.
No hives, no fungal problem, no allergy. Perfect skin. A check-up was necessary.
- No. - Will you send a telegram to Boston?
- Immediately, but... - What's wrong?
- There's always a but. - No, nothing serious.
- Which sport do you do? - The war, for 25 years.
But during this time of peace, you've swollen up. You have cellulites.
- Just like my wife. - I have nothing to do with your wife.
- You do. - No. That check-up wasn't compulsory.
- It was. - It wasn't.
- Do you have a solution? - When the extra weight increases...
- ...the skin could get deformed. - What can one do?
- A diet. - Ah, that never.
Alright, then take up sports.
What?
What are you talking about?
I just said it might be hard for you.
I can still do sports. But only the noble sport.
I'll even challenge you.
- Oh no. - Yes.
- No, no. - Yes.
- We're not going there. - Whenever you want.
- Why are you scratching like that? - I'm nervous.
You need to see a psychiatrist. No.
No, not right away.
Closer.
Position.
Salute. Get ready.
Cover your left.
One, turn. Two, knee up. Three, kick. Four, knee up. Five, cover.
A low kick.
Back.
Kick sideways. One, turn. Two, knee up. Three, kick.
Knee up and cover again.
Pause. Have a break.
Back at your place. Low kick. Counter attack. Low kick. Counter.
Low kick. Counter attack. Fist in the face.
Careful! Careful! Intervene, please.
I can't work with him. Leave me alone.
Turn. Low kick. Foot down and turn.
- Position! - Saw that? I was like this and...
- Gentlemen, please. - Didn't you see?
- A bit more cider? - Is that a good idea?
- Can't eat tripe without cider. - Yes, but...
- Having a lot of gas? - Yes.
- Must be the rusk. - Ah.
Yes, that causes gas. Is the stuffed cabbage warm?
There, gentlemen.
- Very good. - You eat cabbage after tripe?
- Yes. - Oh no.
Yes. With creme fraiche, please.
- No problem. - You're not going to eat all that?
- Yes, I am. - At your age?
- I always live dangerously. - The idea alone that I...
You can't eat. Wait. Bring us two calvados.
Calvados dissolves fats and then the stomach's empty again.
- I see. - There, gentlemen.
- How do we drink this? - In one hit.
- Give me cabbage too. - See?
- And then two portions of hare stew. - Oh no.
- Oh yes. - But no.
- Yes. - With calvados then.
- No, always with Beaujolais. - Bring the wine to room temperature.
- No, never. Always cellar temperature. - Juliénas '57?
Fine.
- You don't really live. You're a ghost. - Get stuffed with your ghost.
- Well, that's progress. - Wait and see.
Where's that Beaujolais?
Easy, there's the hare and then the profiteroles.
- There are profiteroles? - Yes.
I love it. You were right. I didn't know how to live.
It's very good. Dangerous, but very good.
It's good, but in your case, you have to ask permission.
That's true.
I'm going to my castle for 3 weeks for a truffle diet. Are you coming?
- I'm coming. - What about your business?
- I don't care. - And your wife?
That's harder, but I still don't care.
Alright, we'll see.
- What kind of a trip is it? - I'm going to New York, as usual.
- To study paintings. - Will you be gone for long?
- I don't know yet. - Will you be in the Park Hotel again?
- No, not this time. - What do you mean?
- No is the opposite of yes. - I'll be studying paintings.
- Paintings? - Paintings.
Paintings.
Out! Where are your manners?
What are you doing here?
Get lost.
- Did you see that? Eavesdropping. - Stop. Félicien, you're neglecting me.
- Not true. No. - You're neglecting me.
- I'm not. - You've been living the life all month.
- Me? - Yes, for the first time in my life...
- ...I asked around. - You didn't.
You're neglecting your business. There's a woman, isn't there?
- This is going too far. - Félicien. Here.
- Is there a woman? - No.
- What then? - A man.
- A man? - A man.
A man...
I don't believe you and I'm coming to Orly tomorrow.
As you wish.
So terrible.
- He's going. - To study paintings?
Of course. He'll study paintings.
That's enough.
- And your luggage? - In the plane.
- You'll need it. - I don't need anything.
The crazier you become, the more I like you.
I wish we had plunderers again in the castle. That would be fun.
No problem. We'll think of something.
- Have your ancestors been buried here? - The Montignacs perished in...
- ...Jerusalem, Moscow, Sevastopol. - And your father?
At the roulette table, in Monte Carlo.
What's that?
There they are.
- Very honoured, Mr Minister. - Can I introduce the prefect to you?
Mr Prefect. Minister, can I introduce Mr Mézeray to you?
Mr Mézeray, on behalf of the collective French arts, I thank you.
We start with the Roman foundations,
which are of archaeological importance.
After you.